Jamie Jane

For the last couple of weeks, I have been working at a “Tots & Children” day camps here in Port Coquitlam. Each week, we have various themes from “laughs & giggles” to “little Einsteins”. We have plenty of kids who come on the weekly basis, and I’ve gotten to know many of them personally. There’s Logan: a boisterous young boy who is just as stubborn and reckless as his tricycle skills; Miska: A beautiful young girl who is the epitome of innocence; and Riley: a peculiar, curious little boy who has the tendency to cock his head as if he was a little owl in a tree. There are plenty of other kids who come and go, and I am so glad I’ve met these kids, who make my life a bit more interesting. 

Friday, sisters Alinah & Alyssa came in for their regular day camp fun with myself and Lianne. Their mother, who looked a bit distraught, told us the grim news: There grandmother past away last night. She mentioned this to us because she wanted us to understand if either or both of them seemed much more quiet today than usual. As we passed our condolences, she walked away and left us with her children. 

A part of me just wanted to give the girls a big hug and tell them that everything is going to be ok. The other part of me wanted to go on as if nothing has happened, or that I didn’t know about the situation. I went with the subtle of the two. Surprisingly, both of the girls were just their wonderful selves, with no hint of sadness or tears. 

After all the kids have left, and Lianne & I were cleaning up, she mentioned something to me that has stuck with me since: 

“Children don’t really know or understand when unfortunate things happen to them. Sometimes it’s just better that way”

I forget that children still hone their innocence. I hope the girls will keep their innocence for a bit longer. 

Usher has resurfaced back onto my playlist after many years of neglect and disinterest of the sultry artist. It’s not his new stuff that I’m listening to, titled Raymond vs. Raymond, but his confessions album back in 2004. 6 years ago, I was just entering highschool when the album dropped onto the charts. The one song I adored, and still do, is ‘confessions’. The trials and tribulations of emotions that is haunted by the piano keys that follow Usher. 

I can honestly say that I never really fully understood the situation, nor the complexity of emotions a human can really feel around infidelity. Especially at the age of 14, all I really did was hum the song and always sing my favorite part of the breakdown of confessions:

“The first thing that came to mind was you. Second thing was how do I know if it’s mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin’ that I never did what I did….I don’t know what to do, but to give you part 2 of my confessions ”

There is so much truth behind to how the mind follows the direction of the heart when emotions flood the brain of hurt, anguish, confusion, and regret. 

The admission and acknowledgement of faults is always hard to do, and even harder to say to someone you care about, and always try to shield them from the emotional turmoil that will bequeath upon them. Everyone has done this because it is a knee-jerk reaction to any inflicted pain. Parents, friends, co-workers & significant others have tried to protect the ones they love. 

My confession? I guess you would need to know part I. 

Rising temperatures & keeping shady. 

I haven’t been home in awhile and its nice to get that extra few minutes of sitting in an A/C house, and bringing some much needed breeze. Friends of mine (and my siblings) are always over to chill. 

I’m Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life. It’s Gonna Feel Real Good, Gonna Make A Difference, Gonna Make It Right …

My Nanay (Grandmother) hates wearing her hearing aid. She lives in T.O., and decided to visit us (with grandpa & auntie in tow) here in B.C. Everyone in the house was yelling right near her ear to make her life a bit easier, but leaving everyone else deaf around her. 

None the less, she has the power to give me the gift of education that otherwise wouldn’t allow me to be living away from home. When she told me she has already given my parents the tuition I need for the academic year (as well as my siblings’ tuition), I was already welting up with happiness & gratitude in front of her. I am forever in debt to her and her graciousness. 

Nanay, although you do have a reduced sense of hearing, you do have have heightened sense of being & love. 

There is something so ethereal being the only one up at dusk. The silence, peace, and tranquility rises with the sunrise beyond the mountains. The combination of 13 hour sleeping pattern and a 3 hour nap caused me to be up at this hour. Thus, predisposes me to a time I would never be exposed to. Long summer days and nights seem to blur with each passing day to be quicker than the last.

Summer brings on the endless summer reading lists, heat & the effeteness of deodorant in public areas begin to diminish much to our demise. I’ve done plenty since Summer has started: exploring downtown Vancouver, watching my sibling graduate, Enjoying some R+R with my grandparents and my aunt, coming from the eastern side of Canada…the list goes on. 

I still have plenty left to do before I head back to the island, but for now, I plan on just spending the next few hours enjoying the sunlight from my bedside window. 

To you know who you are, 

I am writing it out of anger, not from the love that I’m used to. A vent. A rant. A whatever-you-think-it-is. 

Not a lot of things get to me, but there are just some things I just can’t get past when you say words that you don’t even mean. How do the lines even separate when all I see are swerves and curves that are up and down the mean streets, and I’m just trying to follow the confusing signs only to end up at a disappointing destination.  Does the destination even matter? It’s the road that is less traveled for me that I never know what to expect, and at the moment, I am not impressed. 

I’m running on just adrenaline and anger that burns the fuel, but I only keep cool on the exterior to keep myself going. You can tell that I’m already burning out though. 

I should just take a detour, a pit stop, or even an appointment tune up with some mechanics to help align me perfectly with my emotions and actions. Or should I just pull on the side of the road, put on my hazards, and hope for the best? 

Forget it. I’m lost.