Jamie Jane

1. You’ve have been on my mind alot. The fact that you aren’t around as much as you used to be saddens me, but as well as confusing on why it might end this way. I’ll admit, I haven’t gone out of my way to do anything with you, but I feel like there’s a barrier between us. Why? maybe because we caught you in a full blown lie today. You should have honestly just told us the truth. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I’ll forgive, but not forget.
2. As they said, “God is testing your will & strength”. I wish the new decade is much more kind to you than it has been. This year is a start of cleansing a soul, and starting over. Open wounds will become ugly scars, but it is a reminder of the events that have completely shaped you to who you are today. You have lived a second life in comparison to mine; innocence was taken from you at such a young age. In contrast, I wish I could have lived your life just to understand you more, and not deal with the emotional roller coaster. Keep your mind at peace, and your mind will follow.
3. So much has changed since you’ve been around. I’ve changed, You’ve changed - maybe we just ended up changing eachother. I wouldn’t trade the memories for the world. You’ve made me realize so much about myself I otherwise wouldn’t have known. I can’t wait to explore new & exciting things into the new decade with you. young forever - forever young.
4. I can’t believe its been months since I’ve seen you. Over the phone, you made my heart smile with your rendition of a literary classic. It shows me  how much you’ve grown without me. You don’t realize it now, but so many people love you unconditionally, and I hope that never changes for you. Don’t try to grow up too fast.
5. Where would I honestly be without you in my life? I wouldn’t have done half the stupid, idiotic things without you. We’ve had FMLs & IMMDs, all in between TFLN. You remind me that living is worth while with you. You’re my second sober thought, even if you’re drunk. Firsts and Lasts will always be between us. I hope we stay this way for as long as the clock strikes 1:19.

I’ve been thinking about this for days: What did I learn this in the year 2009. It is to forgive, but to not forget.

"Secrets" is a daily word
Yet does not exist—
Muffled—it remits surmise—
Murmured—it has ceased—
Dungeoned in the Human Breast
Doubtless secrets lie—
But that Grate inviolate—
Goes nor comes away
Nothing with a Tongue or Ear—
Secrets stapled there
Will emerge but once—and dumb—
To the Sepulchre—

- Emily Dickinson (1385)

It must be an off day. I slept in 6 hour intervals today, broken up between 9 hours of being awake and being only had 4 hours of sleep the night before. hmm.  Or, was it the green tortilla chips that I sampled while pushing the cart at Costco. Was it the 1.5 cupcakes I ate earlier today? I mean, they were cream filled and full of sugar. It must be an off day.

It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe the anxiety of family drama isn’t helping the holiday cheer. unhappiness. The empty, artificial Christmas tree is outside our door, as if it wasn’t wanted. isolation. Sleeping in a room that doesn’t feel like my own is an uneasy feeling. The holiday cheer seems less fulfilling when you have a hard time connecting with close friends you haven’t seen in awhile. It just doesn’t feel right.

I miss where I use to be.